A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying
in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm
sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman
replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay ,
please see the bitch in the kitchen."
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains
"Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She
figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He
replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid
some fucking ice cream."
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write
that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared
at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"
Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of
them you want, he isn't really your dad."
The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just
about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive
voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to
be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of
bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket.
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so
he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with
his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table
and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides
in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in
it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He
then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says
" What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME
PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you
remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an
hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he
hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After
riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says
"Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees
nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you
know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice
"13...........13...........13.............13" the man looked over to the
hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye.
The moaning voice then groaned '14.............14.........14.......14.'
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should
see him make donuts."
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long
names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go
outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian,
yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money
hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy
jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom
says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come
true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy
wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the
mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
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