PART I |
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....
First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman : "I know..."
First Woman : "How?"
Second Woman : "My dog told me."
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi.
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only
sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only
half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the
back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head
of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing
right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other
half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the
manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I
must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we
like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota,
sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The
boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My
wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly
replied,"Really! What team did she play for?"
A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the
parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot
just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said
"If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment."
The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later
the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out
of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey
did!"
A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding a wagon.
The boy has his dog pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls. The man says
"You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster." The boy
replies,"I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren."
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice
bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The
cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop
then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the
ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got
there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he
sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath
the horse, instead of on top."
A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for
wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the
company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates,
asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What
trip?"
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them
over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man
replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells,
"Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for
miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just
sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over
did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the
man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells,
"I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!"
"Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your
own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks
her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, "
Only when he's drinking!"
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked
how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the
country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in
front of the door.
One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin on the front
porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to
see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't
it nice?" To which the other woman replies,"Oh that's nice, that's real
nice." The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of
them Caribbean cruises." The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's
real nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or
send you nice places?" "Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first
got married he did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the
first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see,
before, when someone told me about the jewelry their husband gave them, or the trips he
sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a fuck, but now I say that's nice, that's
real nice."
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.
Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.
Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.
Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!
Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!
Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.
Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.
Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.
Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.
Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.
Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.
Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.
Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your
dick.
Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavors.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.